Trust

Trust is something you earn. At least in my life that’s the way it goes. If that trust is broken you will have to go WAY out of your way to prove to me that you are trustworthy once again.

Does that mean I will be nice to you? Sure. Does that mean I will allow anything to go beyond what is on the surface? No. Does that mean I will hold you at arms length? You bet ya. Does that mean I will forget what you did? No way! I will always remember what you did and keep in the back of my mind as a reminder to myself in case I see signs of it happening again.

Harsh, yes I know, but I have been burned too many times. The main person was one I was born to and was supposed to be able to trust completely and be loved unconditionally by. That person can be sent a thank you note for creating me the way that I am in this respect. Often surrounding my emotional connection with others in steel bars and locks. And for those who have wronged me that means I pretty much throw away the key. That’s really the only way I can protect myself from it happening over and over again - I allowed it over and over again by the above mentioned “nobody” and I refuse to allow strangers or acquaintances to do the same.

Yes, I know this came out of no where – it’s just me thinking outloud so please don’t read into it

Moms don’t get sick days

How do I know? Well, because I’m living it right now. If I had a job that I clocked into every day, I would have called in the last two days. No, I’m not on my deathbed but I sure feel terrible. It’s hard for me to focus because my head is so clouded. I’m forgetting things and really the only thing I have on my mind is climbing into bed after putting Kian in his and its only 4PM…four more hours to go.

One (without kids) might wonder what I am talking about. Maybe wondering what is so hard about caring for a child when you are sick? Well, my two year old has more energy in his little toe than I do in my whole body right now. My ears feel like they are going to explode anytime I bend over which makes playing more difficult. I’m not able to rest, relax nothing unless he is because I need to keep my eye on him to make sure he’s not doing something wrong or that he’s ok in general. He also needs to have a clean diaper, be fed, needs to be played with, needs hugs and kisses…ok some of those are easier than others but really when you should be concentrating on healing yourself you have to be mindful of another human being who needs you in order to survive.

I am only hoping that today is the worst of it and I will start getting better from here on out….and also having the hope that this virus somehow skips the rest of my family.

My Current Favorite Author

So, a few months ago I watched a movie based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. The movies was The Notebook and it was one of those movies where I wanted to watch it one more time before I sent it back to Netflix. I passed though because it took me two days to attempt to finish this movie since I watched it during Kian's naps and when Jamie wasn't home.

Then, right after my birthday, we headed on our monthly Costco run and there were 4 books written by Nicholas Sparks. They were all less than $8 each! I decided to scoop them up with some my birthday money. I have been slowly reading through them. I am trying to savor the words but I want to DEVOUR them. Sparks is a writer whose words grab you by the shoulders firmly and your mind demands that you keep reading!

I finished A Walk to Remember (have a Kleenex box for this one!) and watched the movie. Although the movie is loosely based on the novel I still felt it was really good - not to mention, Shane West is definitely not a hard actor to watch!

I just finished reading The Notebook. Very good book...slightly different from the movie in quite a few scenes (but then again what movie isn't!) but the book had me hanging on every last word again. Even though I knew the outcome of the story I was still captivated on how it would all come about.

So anyway, if you are looking for a good read pick up Sparks.

My Neglected Blog

I know no one probably reads this thing anyway, but I know I have really been neglecting it. I found MySpace this fall and started posting on my blog there. Well, for some reason I was reminded of this blog and decided to breath some new life into it. A reminder though. This Blog is for me to plant some of my more random thoughts and insights so buckle your seat belts ;)

Conveniences of the Day

Sometimes I wonder how my mom did things when I was a kid…well maybe even before that! I was thinking the other day of what in the world did people do without a microwave! We were lucky and had a HUGE microwave in our house – I don’t remember a time when we didn’t have one…but I know that was one of the first microwaves out there so before that what the heck did mom’s do at lunch time! Man, talk about having to really time things out! Usually it takes me two minutes to put a meal together for my little guy weather it’s warming something up or it’s putting some bread and cheese in the toaster oven.

Then there are washable crayons and markers. At first I thought that I didn’t need to wash crayon out of my son’s clothes but he does get marks on the table with them when he really gets into coloring and goes off the page. For me it takes two seconds to run some warm water over a dishcloth and wipe it off – easy as pie!

It’s just amazing how many conveniences we have these days….touch tone phones connected through the internet for phone service and portable phones that fit in your pocket. Much has changed since the rotary dial phones my parents had in the house I grew up in and the bag phone my parents had in their car! I probably could go on for days with the things I remember as a kid and how much they have changed now….sometimes I wonder what we did without some of these inventions but apparently we all made it through a time before they existed :)

Desire to mend what was lost....

Why do people hold grudges? I mean, yeah, I can see when someone is wronged you – you shouldn’t forget it so you can protect yourself in the future from that person…but forgiveness should be extended. I have been on both sides of this coin…where I have grudges held against me and where I have had the opportunity to hold one myself. I’m not perfect, but I would like to think I don’t have any grudges against anyone. I have not forgotten some wrongs and won’t allow for things to ever go there again with those people. And I don’t throw the ill behavior in the face of that person over and over again.

Also, sometimes there is more than one side to a story. The current grudge I am thinking about is one held against me – one that is a very hurtful because it has made a relationship with this person near impossible. This said person has a made up story behind what happened and has decided to believe. They also haven’t even heard my side of the story because, well, they refused to even talk to me about it. I can’t even speak to this person without feeling attacked in a very personal way. The funny thing is that the event occurred about a year and a half ago and the hurt is still there like it was the day it happened.

Part of me wants to try to “kiss this person’s feet” so to speak and make things right. The other part of me doesn’t want to play that game because, well, I did nothing wrong and actually tried to call and apologize for what happened right when it happened. I’m not this person’s you-know-what list with no way of coming off unless they decide to extend some mercy my way. Although, I believe that’s very doubtful.

Man, why do I have to think about this junk today! Bleh….I wish it would just go away….

Check out this link

http://www.worldonfire.ca/

New view...

In the midst of crisis, say “thank you” because there is always something better on the other side. ~ Maya Angelo

This quote is so true….it has helped me to see how temporary a crisis can be and how things are so much better on the other side.

Houseidous, Get Behind Me!!

Yes, I said it….Houseidous. My beloved Dave Ramsey has coined that term as a disease people get when the move somewhere new. It’s a disease where you consider pulling out your credit card so you can get things you think would make your house look nice instead of saving up to buy it. I’ve had it before – although not too bad – but I fear it will rear its ugly head now that my husband and I have purchased our first home (ok, it’s in escrow right now, so God willing we will purchase it).

I already have a short list in my mind of things that need to be bought – some absolutely have to be purchased like gates for the stairs and shelving in the laundry/pantry area so Costco can fit in our house (or at least the portion of it I bring home monthly).

The credit cards will remain locked up in our safe – where they have been for years. I have had evil, evil thoughts of using them and confessed this sin to my husband already. Thankfully we don’t make any purchases without the other knowing – well, anything that is not put into one of our budget categories and thoughtfully spent on paper before the month even starts. This might sound anal to some, but it’s helped us pay off thousands of dollars in debt and saved us from really ever fighting about money (which, btw, is one of the top reasons people get divorced).

So, houseidous – get behind me!

Bono in Africa and NBC Nightly News Broadcasting LIVE - WATCH TONIGHT!!!!

Bono is touring through Africa now and he will be on NBC's Nightly News with Brian Williams. Set your TiVo's peeps and learn more about the ONE campaign and how it's helping or how you can help!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12916501/
http://www.one.org/blog/

My Space - Can I Hug You?!?!

Wow! I can’t believe how awesome My Space is becoming for an oldie like me…I say that because mainly it’s used by high school students…but more and more people my age and even older are using it to reconnect with friends from the past!

Some people I know online shared they had a page and then a friend that I knew from a few years ago and kept in touch with emailed me with updates to her blog on there and what not (Hi Season!)…so I decided to make my own page. I thought that there might be an off chance of reconnecting with some old friends. WELL, in the last few weeks I found a friend of mine from high school and just this last weekend I found a good friend of mine I went to college with and reconnected with a few others through him….I also did a search this morning to find two of my other close friends from college! I am just AMAZED at how many people I have been able to find! Some of them I have always wondered what they were up to! This is so very exciting!

Thank you My Space!!! XOXOXOXOX

One of the hardest jobs

The hardest yet most rewarding job I have ever had was becoming a mother. It requires no interview, no prerequisites (besides having a uterus), and comes with no instructions.

Before Kian was born I think I read every book I could get my hands on about pregnancy. I did the same with babies, but babies don’t fit into nice neat little boxes - like if he’s screaming he’s hungry….yeah, that could be one of the things he’s needing but it could also mean he’s bored, he’s tired, he’s wet….you get the picture. A lot of mothering is done by feel and by how well you know your baby. It takes time, using trial and error, and making mistakes – those mistakes are the hardest for a mom to take…believe I know first hand.

All three of us had a rocky start. When I was pregnant I thought I would have a med free birth – all natural. Well, it didn’t end up that way. Kian was stuck and I had to have a c-section. The road was bumpy one for us from the start – I almost died two days after giving birth, Kian had problems breastfeeding, and I soon found out that the crying he was doing all the time wasn’t “normal” after attending a class with other mom’s and newborns and getting a lot of stares because I wasn’t able to calm Kian down. Talk about feeling helpless! At least we found some things that worked for Kian but it was still pretty colicky or irritable for the first 7 months of his life (which is 4 months past the colic stage). Who knows why he was that way, but let me tell you that if I told someone that who only knew him today they would not believe me! Kian is a very happy toddler – well he has his moments but don’t we all.

Apart of being a mom is not only the caring and giving of yourself to this little person but it also means that you need to be willing to let them fly on their own. A few weeks ago Kian turned two and I have to say those two years have flown by so fast! A while ago I was putting away some of Kian’s clothes from when he was a baby and it was so hard to believe that he fit in them! I’m happy my little guy is growing up but at the same time I’m sad too!

Somedays cleaning and cooking calls my name and the day gets away from me. It’s those days that I realize I haven’t spent a lot of time with Kian….it’s also those days that I need to remind myself that two-years-old only happens once in his lifetime and I need to cherish every moment. No one will remember that my kitchen was clean on May 19, 2006 but I know that I will remember the laughter and fun me and Kian had on that day – I think I choose Kian over my dirty kitchen :)

WOW! and more news!

Bono cut his hair.....WOW! He looks a LOT younger....and HOTTER lol! Sorry, Jamie! I still love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

News from some unoffical U2 sources say that the ZooTV tour will be released on DVD in October! Guess who has a b-day in October and the first thing that will be on my list ;) Man! I can't wait to show my hubby Macphisto and The Fly (personas Bono portrays on stage).

Also, take a guess where this photo was taken:
Ok, it was taken at the San Fransciso Zoo on 5/5/06! That was three days before we took my son there for his birthday! GRRRR! Oh well, I guess we stood in the same places (relatively) although I had no idea until now! Bleh!

No AC? BLEH

Yeah, that's right...our house has no AC and let me tell ya today I wish we did! It's pretty warm here today...and will be throughout the summer...but it's not hot enough for people to care about having AC around here....guess it's mainly people that don't LIVE WITHOUT AC!!!!! GRRRRRRR!
The oven won't be turned on again this summer! Tonight I was going to make a baked meal...but I think it would be borderline crazy if I did! lol Oh well! Hopefully we will be in our own home with AC before it gets hotter than all get out.

why?

Why can't the dishwasher unload itself? Or the laundry fold itself and put itself away in the right place?

I will go in the debt over my freaking eyeballs if someone comes up with those inventions lol

Helpful Tip of the Day:

For those of you enjoying your strawberries out there this time of year, I found this tip in Rachel Ray’s magazine very helpful!

Strawberries lose their flavor if they are left in water – they absorb it! Make sure our rinse time is not long as well and pat them dry. Enjoy the full flavor of your strawberries this spring ;)

For the Ladies :)

(there was a problem with this post showing up so I am redoing it)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.....

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Recently I have been thinking back on a time in my life that was not so fun. It was a time where I felt I didn’t fit in at all. I also had pressure from a “mentor” of sorts to basically my square self fit into a round hole…as we all know that doesn’t work. Let me tell you, I tried and tired very hard to be a round peg. At first I thought that is what I was supposed to do. After a while I realized that God didn’t make me round, he made me square for a reason! To my “mentor” I looked like I was rebelling but in reality I was doing what I thought was right for me and for the girls I was “mentoring.”

I spent two years under the pressure and label of not being good enough and it took its toll. I was trying so hard to not be who I really was. I was told that I needed to “go outside my comfort zone” when honestly my personality didn’t reach the lengths that these people wanted from me. Some thought that was an excuse for me to not participate in some activities…some really did thing that I needed to “comfort zone” when in reality every day I lived outside my comfort zone and pushed the boundaries of what I was capable of. When you try to hard to be someone you aren’t I think it shows very clearly to those you are talking to. For me personally I can see right through those people so I am sure that others could see through my guise.

When I think about that time I just want to forget it. I want to forget the pain of not being accepted for who I was. I want to forget all the people I tried to befriend or thought I was friends with and found out several years later that they could care less. The people that I know care I am in touch with (just incase some of you are reading this!) and I cherish the times that we spent together and all the things we went through. Some of you I couldn’t have gotten through this time without your kindness and friendship!

Ok, enough of that tangent… Really what I wanted to say that even though I want to forget that pain I learned so much about myself at that time. At the end of my time of those two years I met my husband. I also believe that the experience helped me in dealing with being a “gaming wife” with all the late hours, sudden moves and craziness that comes with this odd sort of job.

Every moment in our lives shapes us into who we are. Sometimes those moments are hard, scary, wonderful, beautiful…but we always walk away with something more than when we arrived in that situation.

U2 Postpones Second Leg of Vertigo Tour

This news came in last week, but I haven't had much time to post. I am going to post the official report from U2.com on the news. They have postponed the tour due to an immidate family members illness. Some of you might remember that back before the tour even started there was talks of cancelling because The Edge's daughter, Sian, was battling leukemia. Apparently things aren't good right now. My prayers and thoughts go out for his family.

The following is taken from U2.com:


08.03.2006

Vertigo '06: Final Dates Postponed.

It is with great regret that tour promoter The Next Adventure announces the postponement of the final ten dates of U2's Vertigo '06 tour. This action is unavoidable due to the illness of an immediate family member of one of the band. Postponed dates are listed below.

'Any fan of U2 will realise that this decision has not been taken lightly', said TNA President Arthur Fogel. 'We will announce further details as soon as we have them.'

The effected shows, which are all sold out, are: March 17th & 18th, Ericcson Stadium AUCKLAND; 21st, Queensland Sports & Athletics Centre BRISBANE; 24TH & 25TH, Telstra Dome, MELBOURNE; 28th, AAMI Stadium ADELAIDE; 31st & 1st April, Telstra Stadium, SYDNEY; 4th, Nissan Stadium YOKOHAMA; 8th Aloha Stadium, HONOLULU.

We'll bring you more news on U2.Com as we get it.

Yes, I am also a wanna be....

Ok, I’m also a Rachel Ray wannabe hehe (For more on Rachel Ray check here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/rachael_ray/article/0,1974,FOOD_9928_1702057,00.html )

I was recently reminded of how much of a fan I am of hers because I finally got my knife sharpened…oh…my lovely knife that is the same one Rachel used on her 30 min meals show! I love my knife and couldn’t make do without it! I have had it for about 4 years now and FINALLY got something to sharpen it on my own. Let me tell you that this knife was brought back to LIFE!

I remember when I first started watching the show – it was a year or so after me and my husband were married. I was excited to see good meals be prepared in about 30 mins! I was also happy to see a chef saying that there’s not problem with taking short cuts without losing great flavor!

So I started asking for Rachel Ray things…a Cuisenart chopper, her knife (which I researched carefully before requesting it as a gift), a wood cutting board (safes your knives from getting dull), a garbage bowl (to save on trips to the trash can – although I use a plastic grocery bag…makes it easy on clean up), and I even stopped using my garlic press and started mincing like she does! If you know Rachel, everything has garlic in it so I have seen her mince this with her knife many times ;)